The Giant Lizard That Hated Me

You know that saying “when it rains, it pours?” Well, I got drenched this week. It all started with a terrible lizard nightmare. The lizard was twice my size and it kept following me around the house until I managed to trap it in one of the bedrooms. I promise you, the dream was a lot more haunting than you would think.

I had the dream interpreted by a local religious man slash dream interpreter (which is what all rational people do) and learned that the lizard symbolized an enemy, a downfall in the workplace or a deadly disease. Knowing my luck, it would be all three… so I began to keep an eye out for lumps, crazy drivers and kept an extra eye out for my parents and siblings in case one of them was secretly out to get me.

Then work drama hit. It was swift and I didn’t see it coming and I reacted the best way I knew how, by crying at my desk while chugging Starbucks lattes.

Then my credit card got stolen and I had to cancel it and reissue another one which was fine it wasn’t a large sum and I was adamant about being optimistic at this point. Which went well until I lost the whole damn wallet. Bank cards, insurance cards and IDs…all gone. Cue more tears.

It was at this point that my friend pointed out that it didn’t seem like I was having a good week and I was like “uh, you think?” because other things were going on in my personal life that weren’t working out so great (also more tears) so when I got home at the end of the week with eyeliner smears all the way down to my neck and my mother asked me what was wrong all I could say was “the lizard was right”.

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Because PUMPKIN! Is An Appropriate Answer to All Stock Market-Related Questions ..

I am not stupid.. I feel like I should start with that. However, I am CONSTANTLY on my phone which means if you ask me how I am or what client recently bought X amount of Y-Bank stocks you’ll probably recieve an answer like “huh?” Or “which one is Y-Bank, again?” Or even a straight up answer of “pumpkin!” Because I was probably Googling a bomb-ass recipe for pumpkin soup before you interrupted me.

This has led many managers at my work place to (rightfully) question any and all of my work-related decisions.

Which brings us to last week when each Department was asked to nominate someone to handle a company-wide task. I was nominated and informed that I would be compensated for the extra work so I agreed.

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I’ve Been Wandering Aimlessly…

Ever since I can remember, I’ve always had clear ideas of what I wanted to do or be. Whether it was pursuing a degree in Journalism, writing a book, getting a divorce or what career decision to make … my next step was always clear to me. That is, until very recently. Lately i’ve been jumping back and forth between ideas and goals, never really sticking to one thing because the decisions to pursue those things seemed unclear. I’ll suddenly decide to write a book and paralyze myself with trying to decide what genre it should be in. If I decide to blog I stop two posts in and overwhelm myself with questions of why am I blogging and what do I even want to blog about?

For someone who puts great importance in making the right decisions and following a plan, this has been a huge struggle for me. I hate the fact that over a year has passed in my life without any clear direction to it or how throughout this long period of time, I haven’t been working on a specific goal; instead I’ve been wandering aimlessly, starting and giving up on a dozen or so random projects … never really becoming passionate or committed to any of them.

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Is that a Sea Turtle or a Floating Corpse?

This week was Spring Break at my daughter’s school so a few of my cousins and I decided to take our kids for a week-long resort vacation in Muscat. I know, I know, it sounds like a good idea until you’re knee deep in the kid’s pool screaming at one kid to stop sticking their finger inside the other kids nose …

Also, is anyone like me where they try their best to stay healthy during a vacation but then fail miserably? And by miserably I mean six plates of pancakes and two Russian olympic-looking women staring with judgement? And we all know, Russian judgement is the worst kind of judgement.

I was a bit disappointed with myself for breaking what was my longest healthy-habit streak ever (three weeks, and please I can’t handle any more judgement) but I made up for it by signing up for Aqua Aerobics. It was a seniors Aerobics class but it still counts.

On the second day we took a boat ride out to see the dolphins which was hands down the highlight of the trip. It was such a lovely serene sight watching them swim around so gracefully. The kids howling on the boat was not so serene but when one cousin suggested we recreate the Hunger Games Aqua-Edition they seemed to quiet down. We came across the biggest sea turtles ever, which was a fun sight until my cousin shrieked because she thought they were floating corpses (we all agreed she needed to re-asses her TV show choices).

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Avocado Toast, Bikinis and Memes

You guys, I am all avocado toasted out. Yesterday I came across a picture on Instagram of three slices of avocado toast, each with different garnishes, surrounded by scattered aesthetically pleasing foods like a perfectly semi-peeled boiled egg and bright red cherry tomatoes scattered just the right way, all of which was photographed under perfect lighting and taken by an expensive camera at just the right angle and all I could think about was some idiot probably wasted four hours of their day taking this photograph and I flipped past it in less than a third of a second. Which is when I turned to my 7yr old and said, “come take a look at this” because it was a great teaching moment and so the conversation went as follows:

Little One: It’s a nice picture, mom

Me: Yes, but does this change your life in any way? Do you want to sit and stare at this picture for another hour? What useful things can we do with this picture? What does this picture even mean?

Little One: Umm…

Me: All this for likes..

Little One: What are likes?

Me: Things people use to measure self-worth

This was when I lost her to a Peppa Pig episode on her iPad but that didn’t matter, I was adamant that my daughter not spend hours upon hours creating the perfect avocado toast picture or the funniest meme or God-forbid spend her entire lifetime seeking the perfect angle for a bikini pic that would break her previous avocado toast likes-record…

You guys, I’m sick of it. Of social media and of non stop memes being forwarded and fake lol’s and all those girls on the beach in bikinis are becoming one faint blur of boobs and extensions and I’ve just had it..