Humor

Seeking Data Analyst to Analyze Life Choices.

Today I realized that maybe I was doing something wrong because the amount of energy I was exerting into my life was not equivalent to the awesomeness that it should be producing. It’s simple math really, x energy exerted is y awesomeness created. Actually, that might not even be real math or that simple. I wouldn’t know, I got a pity-pass from my Statistics professor in Uni because I wouldn’t stop weeping outside her office door.

But I digress, back to me trying to solve the problem of my not-so-awesome life.

I pondered it some more after I dropped my daughter off at a Trampo-themed birthday party and sat down at a cafe nearby to further ponder over food. The first problem in my life: the curious case of how after years of dieting, yoga and Pilates, I still wasn’t a Victoria Secret Angel. I order Hummus and Falafel to help me think. The waiter, unaccustomed to a customer dining alone, insisted that my order was enough for one person. I did not agree. Chicken Liver and Spicy potatoes were added to the order. Yes, I wanted the darkness in my soul to be reflected in my order, hence chopped liver.

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When I finished my meal, I realized that the pondering had gotten me nowhere and that the party still had an hour to go. No worries, there was a dessert shop nearby with excellent Surprise-Chocolate-Fudge-Cookie in a Pan. What’s the surprise you ask? Extra Kinder and Nutella stuffed in a secret middle layer of the cookie.

To cut a long story short, my pondering got me nowhere. It’s still a mystery. Which is why I have decided to think outside the box and hire some Indian guy who works at NASA or for Elon Musk to create a series of algorithms or what-not to help explain what I’m doing wrong and how to increase awesomeness whilst decreasing effort.

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If you’re that Rahul or Sujesh, then please contact me ASAP.

Competitive compensation packages available, paid out in Karma and sarcastic life advice. 
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Humor

A Quick Trip to Mykonos, Greece

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My first trip this summer was to Mykonos, Greece. If you’re wondering if I enjoyed myself, then you should know that the first thing I said to my boss when I got back was “dammit, I was kind of hoping this company had burnt itself to the ground while I was away.”

She found it amusing (not, really).

We laughed about it (she threatened to fire me).

We’re really good friends (she sometimes forgets my name).

But anyway, this isn’t about my sad work life, this is about Mykonos. The island of the crystal blue water, where the sun shines the brightest, and men named Sebastian steal your heart and suddenly make you feel like maybe it’s okay to commit murder for the man you love, if he’s a Greek god in Vilebrequin shorts.

My friends and I stayed for a short three days, which in my opinion was more than enough. We spent the mornings on large Bungalows in beach clubs and evenings roaming the town center, which by the way has sixteen different names. Each evening, as the sun went down and my friends joint-effortedly tried to stop me from dancing on tables, we asked some friendly waiter or the other where we could go for some shopping. The first day we got sent to “Old Mykonos”, the second day they recommended “Hora” and on the third, we were told the “Town Center” had the best shops. Fun fact, they’re all the same place.

At nights we dined at Ling Ling, Interni and Buddha Bar. Buddha Bar was definitely my favorite, we got seated at a table that overlooked where the yachts were parked and as I watched men being driven back and forth from them, carrying large bags of Buddha Bar take-out I began contemplating whether I could make it as a drug lord. I just needed to live that yacht-life as soon as possible, and frankly i’m not willing to live in a gym to marry a footballer, so cocaine it is.

Anyway, i’m back now and i’m miserable and not just because my face is peeling from the burn I got when I fell asleep at the beach without sunscreen or because I’ve gained like sixteen pounds and now must starve myself. I’m miserable because it’s apparently very hard to find drugs to sell which means I’m still yacht-less.

Please pray for me to find Sebastian again and this time, have the nerve to talk to him. And while you’re at it, pray I turn into Adriana Lima.

TV & More

Four Great Podcasts

 

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Have you come across any great podcasts lately? We’d love to hear your suggestions, but in the meantime here are a few of our favorites:

IF YOU want something gripping

Dirty John:¬†This podcast is based on a true story of a woman who thinks she’s found true love at long last. If you’re reading this and you’re above the age of 30, then you know that true love doesn’t exist and the nicer he is the more likely he is to be a murderer or on some FBI wanted list. I’ve said more than enough. If you’re interested to see what the characters in the podcast look like in real life, click here, but make sure you listen first because the article has spoilers!

IF YOU are into true crime and have a sense of humor

My Favorite Murder: This show feels like you’re having a lazy night in with two of your best friends. Not for the easily offended, this podcast starring best friends and comedians Georgia and Karen, tells the story of two different murders each episode — always with hilarious commentary.

IF YOU are fascinated by the war on ISIS

Caliphate: Ever wonder what makes an average kid from a place like Canada join ISIS? No? Is that not what normal people spend their days thinking about? How dare you imply that I am not normal! Anyway, tune into this podcast to hear first-hand why a young Pakistani-Canadian with moderate Muslim parents joined ISIS, how he joined ISIS, what happened when he joined ISIS and how he got out. I think i’ve typed ISIS enough times to get myself on some kind of watch-list. I will now be going underground for some time.

IF YOU need to heal your soul

Super Soul by Oprah: Yes, we know, Oprah can do no wrong. With guest speakers like Eckhart Tolle and Thich Nhat Hanh and topics ranging from healing to defining, you’re guaranteed to discover, learn and grow with this podcast.

Humor

Bite Me, Royal Wedding.

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Like everyone else on the planet (and possibly, those that remain undiscovered out there) I watched the Royal Wedding today.

I won’t lie, I was devastated. Was there a little part of me that was happy for Megan? No. Absolutely not. That should have been me. In fact, that should have been me when William married Kate but I have chosen to forgive him because he went bald way too fast for my liking so Harry was meant to be it. My ticket out of my 9 to 5, my ticket out of a title-less life, out of singlehood and the possibility of birthing any more none-royal-blooded offspring. Yes, yes I love my daughter, but IS SHE A WINDSOR?

Am I deserving of a man like Harry? You may ask as you eye me plastered out, in oversized tracks, face down on the couch biting into chocolates I brought with me back from the UK … and to that I say, yes. Yes, because I clean up nice (kinda) and I am quite the conversationalist and have a wicked sense of humor but you wouldn’t know it because I suffer from introvertedness and shrivel up into a human form of a trembling tortoise whenever there are more than a handful of people in a room BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN I AM UNWORTHY OF LOVE. And by love I mean the Royal kind because commoner men do not interest me.

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So i’ll just sit here next to Chelsy Davy and try to keep a straight face whilst shrieking on the inside as I ponder how the f-bomb it wasn’t me standing up there with him today.

Humor

If Someone Screams Girls Trip One More Time…

I went on a weekend getaway last week that didn’t start off too well. Being a person who was always on time, I arrived to the airport early and proceeded to wait for my two friends who ran in just as the counter was about to close, puffy faced and rambling about how they almost ran over a local celebrity. The gentleman at the counter was kind enough to let us through if they told him which local celebrity, after which we headed straight to the plane.

Just as we boarded a huge storm hit and the captain came out to tell us the that the airport was temporarily closed and if anyone wanted to get off the plane for a bit, that would be fine.. but apparently my friend heard “we’re all going to die, this is the end…” and literally panic-runs off the plane.

We’re told the flight will be delayed for about two hours so we head towards one of the burger places in the terminal for dinner and just as our order arrives (a mere 11 minutes from when we were told to get off the plane) our names our called out and staff from the Airlines are rushing towards us trying to guide us like burger-tray carrying sheep towards the gate. We drop our food, start running, my coke is in my hand so i’m sipping and running, my friends grabs the coke from my mouth throws it into the trash and yanks me to run faster and eventually we make it on the plane.

On the flight I got the pleasure of sitting next to the friend with the plane phobia who 40 minutes into the flight starts begging to be let off the plane due to turbulance and i’m all calmly like “we’re not dying today.” So she asks how I know that and I go “because I can just feel these things.” And she nodded like she believed me but then we went through some SERIOUS turbulance and I was like “well, umm actually…”

Anyway, we made it in one piece and had a pretty decent 48-hour tanning session and the most delicious truffle angel-hair pasta.

Humor

The Giant Lizard That Hated Me

You know that saying “when it rains, it pours?” Well, I got drenched this week. It all started with a terrible lizard nightmare. The lizard was twice my size and it kept following me around the house until I managed to trap it in one of the bedrooms. I promise you, the dream was a lot more haunting than you would think.

I had the dream interpreted by a local religious man slash dream interpreter (which is what all rational people do) and learned that the lizard symbolized an enemy, a downfall in the workplace or a deadly disease. Knowing my luck, it would be all three… so I began to keep an eye out for lumps, crazy drivers and kept an extra eye out for my parents and siblings in case one of them was secretly out to get me.

Then work drama hit. It was swift and I didn’t see it coming and I reacted the best way I knew how, by crying at my desk while chugging Starbucks lattes.

Then my credit card got stolen and I had to cancel it and reissue another one which was fine it wasn’t a large sum and I was adamant about being optimistic at this point. Which went well until I lost the whole damn wallet. Bank cards, insurance cards and IDs…all gone. Cue more tears.

It was at this point that my friend pointed out that it didn’t seem like I was having a good week and I was like “uh, you think?” because other things were going on in my personal life that weren’t working out so great (also more tears) so when I got home at the end of the week with eyeliner smears all the way down to my neck and my mother asked me what was wrong all I could say was “the lizard was right”.