Let me start by pointing out that I am the unhealthiest person you’ll ever come across. I’m not kidding, I had a cupcake for breakfast today; they were Minion themed and I made sure to take the grumpy Minion so it could judge me while I ate it.
However, when i’m not eating cupcakes or swerving into a McDonalds drive-thru I manage to occasionally get myself to a studio for a workout session.
My point is, if I can stick to a consistent workout routine for over a year, anyone can.
Here are a few tips on how to find and stick to a workout regimen from a person who has mostly avoided working out for 28 years of their life:
1. Do it for the right reasons. For years I’ve struggled with weight loss and that was always my motivation to go work out. I wanted to lose weight and fast, which was why I never really stuck anything out. Around my 28th birthday I began to worry about things like heart attacks, diabetes and knee and back problems which was when I decided to commit seriously to getting into shape in order to avoid all of those things. It was only when I started about thinking about my health as a long term goal that I committed to workouts and began to accept that they were more of a way of life than a get-thin-fast plan. Consider the consequences of not taking care of your body and find the right reasons to get in shape.
3. Experiment, experiment, experiment. The first thing I decided to do was experiment with as many different types of workouts as possible. I did EMS (that shit will tickle you to death, but it has great results) and I tried Zumba (I can’t stand loud music and excited people). Continue reading “How I Started Working Out Regularly Using These Three Brilliant Methods”
You guys, I’ve been a mother for seven whole years. She’s healthy, she’s semi-literate, she knows how to lie when I need her to; I mean, I can pretty much say that I’ve done motherhood right.
Which is why i’m about to impart some very sage mommy advice:
- Marry rich, hire nannies.
- Train at a monastery in Tibet. You will need the patience of a Buddhist monk for when they piss the shit out of you by doing things like:
- channeling their inner Banksy and finger painting the fuck out of your guest room wall
- refusing to stand up to the bully in their class and inevitably getting strangled by that bully in gym class
- Try your best, be kind to yourself, repeat. It’s okay to put yourself first sometimes because being a balanced, happy, healthy human is one of the most important examples you could set for your kids.
Anyway, I don’t want to turn this into a 3,000 word essay on modern motherhood, instead I’d love to hear from other parents out there.
What’s the best piece of parenting advice you can think of?
You guys, I am all avocado toasted out. Yesterday I came across a picture on Instagram of three slices of avocado toast, each with different garnishes, surrounded by scattered aesthetically pleasing foods like a perfectly semi-peeled boiled egg and bright red cherry tomatoes scattered just the right way, all of which was photographed under perfect lighting and taken by an expensive camera at just the right angle and all I could think about was some idiot probably wasted four hours of their day taking this photograph and I flipped past it in less than a third of a second. Which is when I turned to my 7yr old and said, “come take a look at this” because it was a great teaching moment and so the conversation went as follows:
Little One: It’s a nice picture, mom
Me: Yes, but does this change your life in any way? Do you want to sit and stare at this picture for another hour? What useful things can we do with this picture? What does this picture even mean?
Little One: Umm…
Me: All this for likes..
Little One: What are likes?
Me: Things people use to measure self-worth
This was when I lost her to a Peppa Pig episode on her iPad but that didn’t matter, I was adamant that my daughter not spend hours upon hours creating the perfect avocado toast picture or the funniest meme or God-forbid spend her entire lifetime seeking the perfect angle for a bikini pic that would break her previous avocado toast likes-record…
You guys, I’m sick of it. Of social media and of non stop memes being forwarded and fake lol’s and all those girls on the beach in bikinis are becoming one faint blur of boobs and extensions and I’ve just had it..