You know that saying “when it rains, it pours?” Well, I got drenched this week. It all started with a terrible lizard nightmare. The lizard was twice my size and it kept following me around the house until I managed to trap it in one of the bedrooms. I promise you, the dream was a lot more haunting than you would think.
I had the dream interpreted by a local religious man slash dream interpreter (which is what all rational people do) and learned that the lizard symbolized an enemy, a downfall in the workplace or a deadly disease. Knowing my luck, it would be all three… so I began to keep an eye out for lumps, crazy drivers and kept an extra eye out for my parents and siblings in case one of them was secretly out to get me.
Then work drama hit. It was swift and I didn’t see it coming and I reacted the best way I knew how, by crying at my desk while chugging Starbucks lattes.
Then my credit card got stolen and I had to cancel it and reissue another one which was fine it wasn’t a large sum and I was adamant about being optimistic at this point. Which went well until I lost the whole damn wallet. Bank cards, insurance cards and IDs…all gone. Cue more tears.
It was at this point that my friend pointed out that it didn’t seem like I was having a good week and I was like “uh, you think?” because other things were going on in my personal life that weren’t working out so great (also more tears) so when I got home at the end of the week with eyeliner smears all the way down to my neck and my mother asked me what was wrong all I could say was “the lizard was right”.
I am not stupid.. I feel like I should start with that. However, I am CONSTANTLY on my phone which means if you ask me how I am or what client recently bought X amount of Y-Bank stocks you’ll probably recieve an answer like “huh?” Or “which one is Y-Bank, again?” Or even a straight up answer of “pumpkin!” Because I was probably Googling a bomb-ass recipe for pumpkin soup before you interrupted me.
This has led many managers at my work place to (rightfully) question any and all of my work-related decisions.
Which brings us to last week when each Department was asked to nominate someone to handle a company-wide task. I was nominated and informed that I would be compensated for the extra work so I agreed.
Continue reading “Because PUMPKIN! Is An Appropriate Answer to All Stock Market-Related Questions ..”
Ever since I can remember, I’ve always had clear ideas of what I wanted to do or be. Whether it was pursuing a degree in Journalism, writing a book, getting a divorce or what career decision to make … my next step was always clear to me. That is, until very recently. Lately i’ve been jumping back and forth between ideas and goals, never really sticking to one thing because the decisions to pursue those things seemed unclear. I’ll suddenly decide to write a book and paralyze myself with trying to decide what genre it should be in. If I decide to blog I stop two posts in and overwhelm myself with questions of why am I blogging and what do I even want to blog about?
For someone who puts great importance in making the right decisions and following a plan, this has been a huge struggle for me. I hate the fact that over a year has passed in my life without any clear direction to it or how throughout this long period of time, I haven’t been working on a specific goal; instead I’ve been wandering aimlessly, starting and giving up on a dozen or so random projects … never really becoming passionate or committed to any of them.
Continue reading “I’ve Been Wandering Aimlessly…”
This week was Spring Break at my daughter’s school so a few of my cousins and I decided to take our kids for a week-long resort vacation in Muscat. I know, I know, it sounds like a good idea until you’re knee deep in the kid’s pool screaming at one kid to stop sticking their finger inside the other kids nose …
Also, is anyone like me where they try their best to stay healthy during a vacation but then fail miserably? And by miserably I mean six plates of pancakes and two Russian olympic-looking women staring with judgement? And we all know, Russian judgement is the worst kind of judgement.
I was a bit disappointed with myself for breaking what was my longest healthy-habit streak ever (three weeks, and please I can’t handle any more judgement) but I made up for it by signing up for Aqua Aerobics. It was a seniors Aerobics class but it still counts.
On the second day we took a boat ride out to see the dolphins which was hands down the highlight of the trip. It was such a lovely serene sight watching them swim around so gracefully. The kids howling on the boat was not so serene but when one cousin suggested we recreate the Hunger Games Aqua-Edition they seemed to quiet down. We came across the biggest sea turtles ever, which was a fun sight until my cousin shrieked because she thought they were floating corpses (we all agreed she needed to re-asses her TV show choices).
Continue reading “Is that a Sea Turtle or a Floating Corpse?”
Let me start by pointing out that I am the unhealthiest person you’ll ever come across. I’m not kidding, I had a cupcake for breakfast today; they were Minion themed and I made sure to take the grumpy Minion so it could judge me while I ate it.
However, when i’m not eating cupcakes or swerving into a McDonalds drive-thru I manage to occasionally get myself to a studio for a workout session.
My point is, if I can stick to a consistent workout routine for over a year, anyone can.
Here are a few tips on how to find and stick to a workout regimen from a person who has mostly avoided working out for 28 years of their life:
1. Do it for the right reasons. For years I’ve struggled with weight loss and that was always my motivation to go work out. I wanted to lose weight and fast, which was why I never really stuck anything out. Around my 28th birthday I began to worry about things like heart attacks, diabetes and knee and back problems which was when I decided to commit seriously to getting into shape in order to avoid all of those things. It was only when I started about thinking about my health as a long term goal that I committed to workouts and began to accept that they were more of a way of life than a get-thin-fast plan. Consider the consequences of not taking care of your body and find the right reasons to get in shape.
3. Experiment, experiment, experiment. The first thing I decided to do was experiment with as many different types of workouts as possible. I did EMS (that shit will tickle you to death, but it has great results) and I tried Zumba (I can’t stand loud music and excited people). Continue reading “How I Started Working Out Regularly Using These Three Brilliant Methods”
You guys, I’ve been a mother for seven whole years. She’s healthy, she’s semi-literate, she knows how to lie when I need her to; I mean, I can pretty much say that I’ve done motherhood right.
Which is why i’m about to impart some very sage mommy advice:
- Marry rich, hire nannies.
- Train at a monastery in Tibet. You will need the patience of a Buddhist monk for when they piss the shit out of you by doing things like:
- channeling their inner Banksy and finger painting the fuck out of your guest room wall
- refusing to stand up to the bully in their class and inevitably getting strangled by that bully in gym class
- Try your best, be kind to yourself, repeat. It’s okay to put yourself first sometimes because being a balanced, happy, healthy human is one of the most important examples you could set for your kids.
Anyway, I don’t want to turn this into a 3,000 word essay on modern motherhood, instead I’d love to hear from other parents out there.
What’s the best piece of parenting advice you can think of?
You guys, I am all avocado toasted out. Yesterday I came across a picture on Instagram of three slices of avocado toast, each with different garnishes, surrounded by scattered aesthetically pleasing foods like a perfectly semi-peeled boiled egg and bright red cherry tomatoes scattered just the right way, all of which was photographed under perfect lighting and taken by an expensive camera at just the right angle and all I could think about was some idiot probably wasted four hours of their day taking this photograph and I flipped past it in less than a third of a second. Which is when I turned to my 7yr old and said, “come take a look at this” because it was a great teaching moment and so the conversation went as follows:
Little One: It’s a nice picture, mom
Me: Yes, but does this change your life in any way? Do you want to sit and stare at this picture for another hour? What useful things can we do with this picture? What does this picture even mean?
Little One: Umm…
Me: All this for likes..
Little One: What are likes?
Me: Things people use to measure self-worth
This was when I lost her to a Peppa Pig episode on her iPad but that didn’t matter, I was adamant that my daughter not spend hours upon hours creating the perfect avocado toast picture or the funniest meme or God-forbid spend her entire lifetime seeking the perfect angle for a bikini pic that would break her previous avocado toast likes-record…
You guys, I’m sick of it. Of social media and of non stop memes being forwarded and fake lol’s and all those girls on the beach in bikinis are becoming one faint blur of boobs and extensions and I’ve just had it..